I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
We need to get me chipped asap
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
