Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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