I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
