So drunk its hurt
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
