I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
