Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
