NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
