my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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