Swine flu is the new snow day.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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