FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Randomize
