Your mouth is God's brothel.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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