She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
