Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
