Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
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No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
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Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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