I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
