Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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