Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
