Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
You are the jesus of drinking
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
