the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
50% drunk capacity currently
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Dicks are not precious.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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