her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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