She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I pour the whiskey from now on
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
