if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
