the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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