I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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