the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
