btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Fuck appropriateness.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
