If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize
