I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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