Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
