She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
