I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
