I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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