And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
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do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
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to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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