I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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