I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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