after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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