I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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