HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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