my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
