hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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