I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
