Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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