Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
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with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
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No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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