I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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