Soap is not a condiment
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
