he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
