How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
