my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
