I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
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dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
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Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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