I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
