My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
A+ Viking dick
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
