My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
