hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
