I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
