1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
