drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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